New Here? Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me hereperuse the archives here and read popular posts. You can also follow along on Facebook and Instagram. Thanks for visiting! A few weeks ago, I was out with some of these friends and we got onto the topic of jobs and money. Normally, I say nothing about this topic — I know how lucky I am to have a job I like and be paid well — but the guy who had my position before me made 30K more than I do for less responsibility, so to contribute to bewtfriend conversation I brought that up, and one of my friends RIPPED my head off. She works a shit job, six days a week for 12 bucks an hour.
Trending News
And as our numbers increase in the boardroom, as entrepreneurs, and even in the classroom, another role for women that seems to be a growing trend is the rise of female breadwinners. Black women have received a record number of Bachelors and Masters degrees over the past two decades and we are the largest group participating in the workforce. And while we are making more than ever, and leading households, another dynamic of the black family continues to change: the relationship that black women have with our partners. We spoke with a few women who earn more than their spouse or partner about how it works for their relationship dynamic, and tips for success for other women who might be in this situation. For me this meant I could do and be anything and if a man was crazy enough to come on the ride with me, well, good for me and him. Making more money than my husband led me to unconsciously emasculate him for several years of our marriage. One day I looked up and my husband was miserable and I had a lot to do with creating the misery because I never allowed him to be the man of the house. I was the independent woman doing it all. I took up so much space by doing it all that my husband lost significance within our home. A basic human need is to be wanted and feel valued. Doing it all with money, kids, household left no room for my husband to shine. He never had the space to be my knight in shining armor.
When my now-husband Chris and I first met, I was a poor grad student who waited tables to make ends meet. My rent was ridiculously cheap, and thank goodness, because I had negative dollars to my name. I eventually got a full-time office job, but the salary was so bad I had to work at a coffee shop on weekends to pay my bills. While I was working my way up the ladder, Chris already had a successful career as a chef—and his salary reflected it. He wasn’t rolling in it, but he was definitely making more money than me. He never made a big deal about it, he just chipped in a little more than me sometimes on things like rent and utilities. Eventually, my career grew. I got promotions and new jobs and the salary boosts that came with it. My salary surpassed Chris’s before we got married and continued to grow. His grew, too, but not at the same rate since chefs, unfortunately, make a fraction of what they deserve. Now, between career advancements and side projects, I make significantly more than he does.
Hush over money
As a kid, I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to talk about money, because it was all we talked about. It was a force in my family, like the weather. My dad was on disability, doing the occasional odd job or shelving boxes at Target, and my mom was a teacher in Trenton, New Jersey. My best friend as a kid was from a wealthy, conservative family; her Ivy League-obsessed mother would vent to my mom about how families like theirs «don’t get enough financial aid. For my best friend Julie, with whom I bonded at 19 over our similar socioeconomic background, it was Nutella: «These girls in my high school cafeteria were spreading it on their toast, and I was like, ‘What’s that? I’m 28 now, and I independently earn over double the income we lived on as a five-person family. I’m not complaining or bragging—which is partly why I feel weird discussing it—but it just feels disorienting, like I fell asleep in one place and woke up in a completely different one. I still study the «right» clothes, makeup, apartment, the nonchalance I should now be able to effortlessly project.
Unequal partners
You might remember that Friends episode in which the broke friends—Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe—get annoyed at their wealthier counterparts for always suggesting expensive outings. In her new book, End Financial Stress Now , author Emily Guy Birken explains that financial resentment can be problematic on many levels. It can cause problems in our friendships, sure, but it can also turn us off of money altogether. When you give up on your goals, like getting out of debt or saving up for a big trip, you basically give into the idea that you have no control over your situation, she adds. Resentment takes over, making your goal progress feel insignificant and futile. Neither option does much for your wallet or your mindset, for that matter. To effectively kick your resentment to the curb, it helps to know where it comes from, and in her book, Birken categorizes two basic types of financial resentment. It might also be resentment with a partner who outearns you. Different incomes often mean different money habits , and that can put strain on a relationship. Resentment builds on both sides. This kind of resentment is very common and has become a regular part of our political discourse. And, in fact, economic resentment and relationship-based resentment can go hand-in-hand: here you are busting your ass to pay for college while your blueblood friend wants to go to dinner every night. Thankfully, Birken offers some advice. Ultimately, resentment is about anger and letting go of anger often means learning to forgive someone.
But the same can be true of friendships: According to a CouponCabin. While you might not talk money on a regular basis, nothing highlights those differences more than deciding where to have dinner, or being invited to a destination wedding. Or it can cause wlfe in your relationships if you feel like your group of friends is insensitive to your situation. But both can be avoided with a little work and creativity on your. Honesty is the best policy. Just be upfront about the reason why. Speaking up could also have a surprising result—you may not be the only one bestfiend your group of friends that are feeling the financial stress. From outdoor concerts and plays to free museum admission, to activities like kayaking and paddle boarding, every town or city has free events and things to. Do some homework and discover what is available near you.
Account Options
You’re in a restaurant with friends and the bill arrives. What happens next? Does someone grab the bill and yell menacingly, «OK, who had the lobster? William, ggo, a marketing manager in the City, says this is when salary differences between friends can really impact. I remember when I wasn’t earning much and someone would say, ‘Let’s split the bill,’ and you’re thinking, ‘But don’t you know I can’t afford it! Yet people on good money often assume everyone earns the same as. They aren’t bestfriennd it — just being thoughtless.
Comments
Post a Comment